Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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