24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
