I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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