I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize