the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
