just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
