we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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