he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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