dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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