just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Bring me that man meat
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
