you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
