I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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