I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
