I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i now understand why vodka
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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