Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
