I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
