Who wears a wallet chain?!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
