What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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