My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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