On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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