I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
