i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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