There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
