the condom got lost in my hair
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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