I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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