A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want to make a zoo with you.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
