Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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