i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
