oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
