Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
