chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
