A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am naked and annoyed.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
