she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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