He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
