What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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