someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize