Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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