so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
