I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
