R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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