Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
