Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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