she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize