my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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