I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
