Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just found puke in my bra..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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