Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I had to cum in my sink.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
