I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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