6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
