Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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