Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Quick, to the slutcave!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
