I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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