why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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