so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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