I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
