I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
