I accidentally burped into my bong.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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