maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
