this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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