I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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