The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
