Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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