why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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