i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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