are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
