I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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