i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
