Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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