I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
