I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
