the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
